I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
