I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
