I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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