what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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