Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
