I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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