I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
