there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
