These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
