I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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