ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
