I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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