I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
