Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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