M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
