Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
