Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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