Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
