life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
