As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
