During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
