I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
