Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
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