ya dads aren't the best wingmen
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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