Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize