I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
worst night to have a conscience
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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