4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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