My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
