I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
