I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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