Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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