i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
