wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
