I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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