I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
