I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
