Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
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