So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
