I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
