she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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