I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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