This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
