It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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