What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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