I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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