I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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