yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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