Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
