its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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