I skipped work to stalk him.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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