it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
