phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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