Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
